Friday, January 30, 2009

The Search for Happiness (thanks tom.) short story so far.

cold night was arising and Ann was sitting on her bed gazing through a foggy window. Just hours before, her younger brother had went missing. He just vanished. No trace was found of his existence. A tear slowly ran down Ann’s cheek. Was it possible that he ran away? Did he just want to leave this place called home? She repeated these thoughts over and over. After all, they were in a terrible home. An orphanage with a drunk as the owner. You would think Ann would run away too, but she was too afraid to move from her bed. The world can be cruel and unknowing. This was not ever going to change for the better, so Ann just finally figured there was no reason to have a life outside of her mind. Everyday she would just sit sadly on her old tattered bed in her microscopic room. Today Ann had a better reason to cry than usual. Her brother- the only piece of family she had left, was no where to be found. Ms. Few was the owner, she rarely came out of her room unless it was to abuse a child. Ann was going to leave at dawn.

The sun arose, and birds chirped gleefully. A strip of sunlight sparkled brightly through Ann’s window. She rubbed her eyes, yawned, then remembered her objective. Ann sat up on her stained bedspread, thinking to herself, “what could have happened to him?”


Getting on her old clothes she shook her head and paced. Now dashing down the frosted stairs, Ann slipped and slid to the door with her knapsack. Quietly opening the door, she heard a long annoying CRRREEEEEAAAAAAKKK!!!! Ann had made it out of the orphanage. Reaching into her knapsack Ann pulled out an old, expired, breakfast bar. She took a bite, then studied her surroundings. NYC. A dank alley. It was going to be a tiring day. Thus another yawn came from Ann. Ann continued into the street. A taxi slammed on it’s brakes. Ann had stopped all traffic from both lanes.

**********************************************************************

Cameron was lost. Clueless you might say. Silent sobs slowly developed, and Cameron soon felt tears slip down his cheek. Cameron just wanted someone to console, comfort, or just put band-aids on his injuries. He put on a old frayed coat that Ann made him just a year before out of her old clothing.

Cameron looked for a kid-friendly place. He spotted Toys R Us around the corner. Raising his eyebrows, he smirked slyly. Running to his dream, he looked at the surreal blur of citizens. One of them could have been a family member of his. Nodding his head, he went inside the gargantuan toy store.

**********************************************************************

The streets were packed with unidentified faces. Some seemed harsh and some gaunt. Ann gradually made her way to Times Square.

“Cameron!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. Citizens glared at her intermittently while they walked.
“Sorry.” Ann timidly added. Looking around her, she mumbled, “Think like Cameron..” A sigh. “If only I could drive.”

Ann knew she couldn’t give up, but she just couldn’t take it. When Cameron and herself were abandoned on the cold, harsh, stoop of Ms. Few’s Orphanage, she had never thought of being in this position. Once again she called for her brother, though it was useless, it felt efficient.

************************************************************************

Of course he had picked the wrong time to run away. Christmas time, NYC. Mine as well jump off a bridge. They still walking together a bit overwhelmed. Caroling was in the background of the surreal city. Horns and beeps overpowered the tranquil vocals.

A wail of a young child was heard. Sounded around 3. Maybe 4.. Instantly, Cameron looked around. The it was. Cameron’s eyes bulged as he darted out to the busy street to grab the kid. Unfortunately, it was by far to late. Cameron had gotten hit by a crazy cab driver. The child in which he tried to save sadly lurking over him.

************************************************************************

Ann walked along the crowded sidewalks peering in shop windows. The television flicked on in front of an electronics store to reveal a ambulance bleeping in Times Square. The voice of the newscaster spoke abruptly. “A boy had tried to save a young child, but was hit by a taxi. The child is fine, only minor injuries, but the hero here is unconscious.” A pause to show the scene. “That’s all for now. Back to you Sharon.”

Immediately Ann was in tears. Was he okay? What happened? Where is he?

Ann’s thoughts were quickly interrupted by the woman on the scene. “This boy’s name is yet to be released.” Ambulance sirens screeched. The lady added, “He is now being transported to Shrieners Hospital. We wish him the best of luck. Just then, at this exact word, Ann started bawling. ************************************************************************

The waiting room was dull and smelled like old cheese. She’d often see a door open, and close. Each time she hopped from her seat with anxiety- or was it excitement? She couldn’t tell the difference. For if a surgeon were to emerge smiling, good, or if the opposite, a frown, bad. Easy to understand, but not easy to sit and wait for the true answer.

It had been 4 hours of sweating, crying and tending to the kid that Cameron saved. She had found that his name was Cole. When a doctor came from the hall. He wasn’t grimacing nor grinning. A straight seemingly content face. “You may see Cameron now.”

These words brought great joy. She picked up Cole. Off they went into the gloomy corridor to find Cameron. They went along 15 rooms until they found him. Ann knocked timidly at the metal door. A scratchy voice coughed, “come in.”

He looked uncomfortable, but he tried to smile. “Hey guys.” Beeps and blinking lights made the room eerie as he spoke. It felt like they were in a horror movie. Cameron knew that they were a little freaked out by the needles in his arm, the casts he wore and the cuts and bruises on his face. So, he urged them in cordially..

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” Ann sobbed holding his hand.

“I’m great.” Cameron closed his eyes.

The room was peaceful, and soon visiting hours would be over. The stars twinkled in the sky outside the window pane. A yawn traveled around the room. Cole was still homeless. Ann and Cameron looked at one another silently shouting “what should we do?” by a single twitch. They could easily read each other. A soft sound of snoring was heard from Cole sleeping on the spare cot. Cameron was in pain. And he hid it so well. Ann approached him with sympathy. “don’t worry Cam.”

************************************************************************

Ann had awoken at 5 am to Cameron in a coma. A tear dropped on the blanket draped over him.. The I-vs in his arm were eerie and a little frightening, but some how, she withstood. She turned to look out the window. She sobbed silently. Ann didn’t want to be pessimistic but she had came to the consensus that her younger sibling was in critical condition. Mourning in quiet, motionless wallow, Ann drifted into a deep sleep.

************************************************************************

Beep.Beep.. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP. The dreaded noise floated throughout the air. Ann awoke abruptly. Was she having a nightmare? The line was pin straight. Ann bawled and sobbed herself to asleep again hoping, praying, this was a dreadful nightmare that couldn’t be true. But it was. He was gone.


5 comments:

Shane said...

1.) the conflict of your story was camren was missing and he was the only real family that ann had left.

2.) at he begginnig Ann more worried about cameren and by the end, she seems really confident in her little brother. if ann didn't make that change, then the characterization would have been compketely off.

3.) my favorite part of the story was in the resolution when cameron was in the hospital becasue it really showed that even though they didnt have their biological mom and dad, they were still a family.

4.) the best part of the story was description. "The sun arose, and birds chirped gleefully. A strip of sunlight sparkled brightly through Ann’s window." it was really easy ot see and it made for a very intresting story.

5.) the theme of the story is your family is always there, and during the story that was really relevent. Ann was there when Cameren was in the hosplital and needed him the most.

6.) what you need to revise is jsut simple spelling and grammer. there were just small little things and then you'll be allllll good.

good job ritt <3 !

Marissa said...

HI BRITT!!
The conflict of this story is that Cameron ran away and then he is lost and gets hit by a car. It is an external conflict. It was resolved by Cameron dying I don’t think the story could have been any more dramatic, and if it was, it would be a soap opera.
There were two main characters. Cameron changed because at the beginning he was alive, and at the end, he wasn’t! This is obviously important to the story because if he hadn’t died then he would still be alive. Ann changed because in the beginning of the story she didn’t have much hope, but then she did, and then he died so she was really sad. If she had not had hope in the middle then she probably would have given up.
My favorite part of the story was when Cameron tried to save the little kid. I liked this part because it showed how much Cameron cared for people. I liked the quote “The child in which he tried to save sadly lurking over him.” I liked this quote because it was very interesting to me because it was said with detail.
This story’s best quality was its detail. Everything just flows together and make sense. I really liked how nothing seemed like it didn’t belong in the story.
The story’s theme is appreciating your family. This is shown in the story because Cameron died and I don’t think that Ann really realized until he was actually dead.
The only small thing you need to do is some grammar/spelling check (not using spell check). The ones I saw were pretty obvious and I think you will find them quickly. This is an amazing story and I win because I commented first!

Marissa said...

aww never mind Shane commented while i was writing :(

Allyson said...

The conflict of the story was that Cameron was missing. It is an external conflict. It was resolved because Ann found him. I was invested in the resolution of the conflict. I think that the story was very dramatic and I can't think of anything to make it more dramatic.
In the begining of the story, Ann seemed lost and at the end, she was more confident. Her epiphany moment was when she had to be strong for her brother. This change is important to the story because if she hadn't changed, her brother probably wouldn't have lasted as long.
My favorite part of the story was when they were communicating without talking. I think this showed how close the two of them were. I think that it occured in the falling action.
(Continued on next comment)

Allyson said...

"Ann and Cameron looked at one another silently shouting “what should we do?” by a single twitch. They could easily read each other." This line stood out to me because it made me understand how close they were.
The story's best quality was the resolution. I had no idea that Cameron was going to die. It was such a shock to me becuase he seemed like he was going to be okay. It was sad because I had sympathized with him.
I think that the story's overall theme was to not realize what you have until it's gone. Ann did love her brother and her brother loved her back, but I don't think she understood how connected they were until he died.
I think that all you need to do is to check your spelling and grammar. Other than that, great job!

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