Everyone has priceless moments and things that are valuable to them. Some people think scoring a 3 pointer leading their team to the win is priceless, or maybe their first time playing on their new X-Box 360. To me, I find my friends to be priceless, and my I-pod/I-tunes to be really important to me. Why? Well, I guess you’ll have to read on to find out.
To begin, I’ll tell you about my friends. They really are all great, and I love them so much. One priceless moment that we have is that, once, at my friend Marissa’s house, we all had a sleepover. But not just any sleepover, it got pretty crazy. There was a skunk outside, and a rabid cat, so we had to run around her yard trying to get away. Meanwhile, we played manhunt too, and had sparklers to play with. This slumber party was right after Marissa came back from her trip to Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand. So, everyone was very excited to see her and to be able to hang out again. That sleepover was probably one of the funniest ones I have ever been to. I can’t wait for more!
We laugh, we goof off, we study, but yet, have tons of fun. Yes, I’m talking about my friends. I am so happy to have friends like mine. I have so many priceless moments with them, the list is endless. I love them to death. Friendship makes my life complete. There are people that one, don’t have friends that treat them right, or two, don t have friends they can trust. My buddies and I are different. We all can trust each other, and treat one another with respect. The way I think about it, Friends is a seven letter word I couldn’t live seven seconds without.
Click, clickity, click, its my I-pod switching a song. The music and noise sinking into my ears. I dance around making myself an after school snack, procrastinating on my homework. I switch to another song, to match my happy mood. I finally sit down to eat my snack and do my homework. My buds still in my ears, listening to one of my favorite songs. Smiling as I work, and still hum the tune to the song.
Whether I’m mad, sad, depressed, ecstatic, or just plain content, I almost always am listening to music. Different music or songs for all my emotions blare into my ears. Without music, my world would be completely silent. That, I could not physically live with. I enjoy listening to music when I’m doing my homework, or sometimes when I’m walking somewhere. Music can generate so many different ideas and spark thoughts .Sometimes when I am listening to a good song, I can picture a music video or something in my mind. I adore music, it’s a huge piece of my life.
All in all, life really wouldn’t consist of much for me without my friends and my music (I-pod/I-tunes) I’m so thankful to have them! Priced and priceless moments are really awesome, everyone has different opinions abou t them. It really lets one’s personality show. So what are your priced and priceless moments?
To begin, I’ll tell you about my friends. They really are all great, and I love them so much. One priceless moment that we have is that, once, at my friend Marissa’s house, we all had a sleepover. But not just any sleepover, it got pretty crazy. There was a skunk outside, and a rabid cat, so we had to run around her yard trying to get away. Meanwhile, we played manhunt too, and had sparklers to play with. This slumber party was right after Marissa came back from her trip to Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand. So, everyone was very excited to see her and to be able to hang out again. That sleepover was probably one of the funniest ones I have ever been to. I can’t wait for more!
We laugh, we goof off, we study, but yet, have tons of fun. Yes, I’m talking about my friends. I am so happy to have friends like mine. I have so many priceless moments with them, the list is endless. I love them to death. Friendship makes my life complete. There are people that one, don’t have friends that treat them right, or two, don t have friends they can trust. My buddies and I are different. We all can trust each other, and treat one another with respect. The way I think about it, Friends is a seven letter word I couldn’t live seven seconds without.
Click, clickity, click, its my I-pod switching a song. The music and noise sinking into my ears. I dance around making myself an after school snack, procrastinating on my homework. I switch to another song, to match my happy mood. I finally sit down to eat my snack and do my homework. My buds still in my ears, listening to one of my favorite songs. Smiling as I work, and still hum the tune to the song.
Whether I’m mad, sad, depressed, ecstatic, or just plain content, I almost always am listening to music. Different music or songs for all my emotions blare into my ears. Without music, my world would be completely silent. That, I could not physically live with. I enjoy listening to music when I’m doing my homework, or sometimes when I’m walking somewhere. Music can generate so many different ideas and spark thoughts .Sometimes when I am listening to a good song, I can picture a music video or something in my mind. I adore music, it’s a huge piece of my life.
All in all, life really wouldn’t consist of much for me without my friends and my music (I-pod/I-tunes) I’m so thankful to have them! Priced and priceless moments are really awesome, everyone has different opinions abou t them. It really lets one’s personality show. So what are your priced and priceless moments?
10 comments:
hey britt, i htought it was eally good, all that i cna really say it to fix maybe the first 2 prpagraphs to make them flow beter.
so thats about it, good job!
Wow Brittany that was a great essay and I actually I had fun reading it! I really liked how you ended with a question. Very clever. I can see why your friends are valuable to you. I'm one of them right?
I think the valuable that you described most vividly would be your friends. The sleep over sounded very fun and what do you know, I was there! I liked the part when you said that you and Marissa had to get away from the skunk. That was really funny.
Your strength would probably be to get your reader really interested about what you're talking about. I was so interested in your story that I was sad when it ended. You make it feel like whenever you're describing something, you feel like yourself is there with you.
The thing that I would suggest would be to tell more about how your valuables are the same and different. I don't think you said how they were different but I understood how they were the same. Other than that, your essay was spectacular!
You dont really say which is more valuable. You value them both exactly the same. But, i don't really get which is more valuable. Think about it. But, i would say you value your friends better.
Your description of listening to your ipod was really good. How the ipod clicked as the song changed, and how you were procrastinating ondoing homework. And then when you start doing your homework you are still listening to your ipod, and it is your favorite songs.
You did really good at describing. I could picture both of your items really well. And you also made the scene longer because you were really describing what was going on well.
The only advice is make them flow a little better like rose said. But other than that thats all i have to say on making it better.
It seems to me that the author is saying that her two most valuable items or moments are her ipod and her friends. She says that she couldn’t live for seconds without friends. She also says that she couldn’t live without her iPod. She says she is always listening to music.
I think her iPod was more vividly described. She used very descriptive words. Especially when she said “Click, clickity, click, its my I-pod switching a song. The music and noise sinking into my ears.”
I would definitely say her organization was good. She wasn’t missing any parts. All the parts were also in order. It flowed nicely.
One thing that could use some help is her friends. I think you should expand on what you do with them. What makes it so special. Besides that this essay is very good.
In this essay i can really see what the author is saying about values. Brittany, you made me think a lot in the beginning of your essay and i hadn’t even begun yet! I think that your essay was pretty good overall. I enjoyed reading it and it didn’t even bore me at all. Nice job!
I think that out of the two items you wrote about, your friends are the most important to you. You talk about your friends so much! and you make sure that it is clear that you just plainly LOVE your friends. I can really tell that without your friends, you would be nothing. You really tell the reader about what makes your friends so special to you and why they don’t need a price tag to be valuable.
This essay's strength's, i would have to say, are description and imagery. An example of how she used great imagery, is when she says that she is dancing around while making an after school snack. I can SO picture that! I could really imagine her dancing around her kitchen with her headphones in her ears and just grooving out to some tunes. The clicky click's that you put in your essay for the i pod noise was a nice touch. You did a great job writing this.
The advice that i can give you is to just proof read it every time that you make a change, just so that way you can make sure it makes since. And that i think you should add a little kick to your introduction paragraph like you did with your closing paragraph. In your closing paragraph, you ended with a BOOM! you added a question, which made the ending perfect because then you left the reader wondering! So just think about those. Awesome Job though Britt =)
I. I think she did a very good job on her introductory because she draws the reader in, but then intentionally leaves them guessing so that they are forced to read on, otherwise they will never know what happens next. It’s clever technique, as is talking how no matter who you are, everyone has priceless moments or items of great value, which is very true.
II. I think the valued item, her iPod/iTunes was described best because I can really relate to and understand what she’s saying. I particularly liked the second sentence in the third paragraph, where she says, “The music and noise sinks into my ears.” I could really imagine the music thumping in my eardrums when she said that, and it made me want to go listen to my iPod!
III. I think her real strength in this essay is connecting with the reader, because she talks about a lot of things that teenagers, both males and females, have or long to have. She talks about iPods and iTunes; trust and friends; sleepovers and rabid cats… all the things that teenagers at our age are involved with at one time or another.
IV. One thing I would suggest to fix is that the moment and object are supposed to be told in present tense form, and you have them written in the past tense. Not a huge deal, really, but I would advise that you revise that. Other than that, the essay was very well written. I enjoyed it, and it really did catch my attention!
You state what your priceless and priced items are right away. I think that's a good thing. I would just try to lead up to it a bit more. I think that, by the way you say it, you value your friends more than your music.
I think that the party was described more than listening to your music after school. I think you might want to try adding more of a story to the iPod part. I think it would make your essay seem a lot longer and more exciting. Even though it's already those two things.
I think your biggest strength would be your imagery. You really describe what you are doing and how you are feeling well. You put a lot of your characteristics into your writing, which I think is wonderful.
I think you could use a bit more depth. You could state how your feeling or why your feeling that. Other than that, your essay was filled with imagery and character!
In this essay, Brittany was describing how important her friends and her iPod are to her. She makes people want to read on because it sounds interesting to read. You can't clearly tell which is more important, but by her description, you can tell she definitely wouldn't want to give up her friends (thank you!).
I think that the friends were more vividly described. You showed how much fun you can have with them no matter what you are doing. Even though you specifically only described one time, you could still tell that there were other moments like this previously.
The strength of this essay was probably how your paragraphs (in the same topic) flowed with the other sentences. It made it natural and (if I hadn't been there) made it seem like the reader was there. I really liked how you didn't repeat words and phrases also.
One piece of advice that I would give the author would be to talk more about the comparison. I didn't really see much of one because it was so short. I would also try to make a more clear switch between the intro with all of the questions and the first topic (your friends). I really liked reading your essay and it was really good.
I think you are trying to describe how items can never be as important as friendships, even though you like music too. What I got from this essay is that you value friedships more than you value your IPod.
I think that you described your IPod better than you described your friends. You used much more descriptive language and more imagery.
I think one of your strengths is that you described a real priceless moment, an actual experience with your friends. This helps me understand why you value your friendships so much.
My only suggestion is to add a little more to the last paragraph, where you described their similarities, because it was really short. Otherwise, this is a really good essay.
hey britt... great essay, i could really connect with how you felt about music and friends because they're two things i value very much as well. One thing that could be imporved, though, would be maybe describing your experience with friends a little clearer... i thiiink mr.bg wanted a specific time you had with them, not just a list of reasons why you love your friends. but it does sound great the way it is. =)
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